I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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