I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My legs feel like baby dolphins
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
