ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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