Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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