I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
