i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize