My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
two words...techno handjob
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
