Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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