Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
