I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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