I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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