He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
