shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
