she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
