You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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