yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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