Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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