Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
