I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
