There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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