was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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