So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
