I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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