3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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