i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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