I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
