I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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