what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have aggressive nipples.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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