I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
