dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
