I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
