It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
