Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
