Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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