i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
