when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
