My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
