I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
