i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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