The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
