i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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