I need to stop coming to work sober
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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