I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
