I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
