ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
