turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
