xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
