Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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