spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
