I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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