Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
