I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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