it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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